September 22, 2004

Mark Hogan

Dear Mark:
        This is not a "Z Letter", it is a "Z Poem". Please read on:

ODE TO SHITTINESS

Handball players will never know
What it takes to put on a show.
But Hogan did, he delighted us all.
Twenty-one to Z, he took the fall.

His partner was Mitch who couldn't forget
How bad Hogan was, he played like shit.
The winners Rob Gaither and Joel so quick,
When it was twenty to zip Hogan became sick.

With the game finally over, Mark blew a head gasket.
He stumbled and mumbled and puked in a basket.
He was mad, he was sad, he thought about Paige,
When to tell her how they rattled his cage.

Hogan's thirty-one and a KSU grad.
Alumni embarrassed 'cause they made him so mad.
Despite his youth and the running of his mouth,
His opponents both knew his game was going South.

Talk about his body, much like Jim Sutera's.
Speaking I.Q., it's quite like Yogi Berra's.
Is there hope for his game? Was it ever there?
Flailing his arms, he was swinging at air.

Hogan's horrible left, nor his right would work.
Mitch would have been better by playing with Quirk.
KCAC members should give him no pity,
Even though we all know his game is so shitty.

                                Balls Off the Wall,
                                Jay Vader

Tom Marks
John Duma

Tom and John: You guessed it. This is a “Z letter” Z’s denote sleep. Were you two asleep? Billy Skelly and Pete McDonald beat you 21 to 0 recently.

What has three arms and three legs? The answer of course is Marks and Duma. Duma recently had arm surgery and Marks limps more than a one-legged field goal kicker.

Skelly, you really know how to pick your opponents. Why not pick on Pumpsie or even Wesley or Cahill? (God rest their souls). You pick your opponents better than you pick your companies. Is Halsey ever going to go up? It is lower than what is in your briefs. Speaking of briefs, Duma just about filled his briefs on the court when the score neared 21. In fact, he has probably filled more briefs than he has written! (He’s a lawyer you know.)

I’m told Pete was forced to pay with Skelly or something bad would be revealed. Pete is the cousin of the undersigned. If I write something bad about Pete, God will strike me, and then I’ll be as bad as “Dum and Duma” (Imagine Marks’ pronunciation)

It is said that Marks has great hands. Not on this day! On this day he had hands like feet --- shades of Russ Finkle. Remember him?

Duma, the best thing about your handball game is your hairstyle. Just ask Meeks, Burns, the Scherzers, Mitch or even Chapman. Remember John, if you look like Chapman, you will learn to play like him --- NOT!

If you two were Z’ed in the courtroom or the stockmarket you’d both be in bankruptcy. Then you couldn’t buy beers like your friends like Arnett (you know, “Do Rag Doyle”)!

Skelly, you had much in common with Pete to issue this Z. I’m told you had a lot in common with your second wife – it was about a acre in size and she received it in the divorce.

Remember, Tom and John, it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s not how you play the game, it’s whether or not you get Z’ed!

                                Balls Off the Wall,
                                Jay Vader

Here is Bruno's response:

BRUNO & SUTERA

CHARTER MEMBERS

Z-DAY CLUB

 Dear Jay:

                Thank you for your letter of recognition concerning our Z-Day event on 06/03/03. While it was not the most flattering piece of literature that I have received, it was certainly a plus to open a letter from a lawyer and realize that I wasn’t being sued. Now let’s look at the positives here. When people think of Handball – they are going to remember Tommy Little on one end of the spectrum and Bob & Joe on the other end. You 100 idiots in the middle are just plain vanilla. Does anybody remember the guy with the average yard –NO. They remember the guy with the yard like Augusta National and the guy with the 1964 Ford Fairlane up on blocks sitting the middle of Four million dandelions and a washer and dryer on the front porch. Also, I called our favorite Math Professor and NATIONAL HANDBALL CHAMPION – Tom Kezlan and he informed me that a Z equals (1) loss as does (1) through (20). So how smart is it to work your butt off for an hour (and risk a heart attack – most of us are in that category) and lose by (1) when you can get it over with (you won’t need a shower) and go straight to the KETEL ONE.

                 Concerning my outdoor tournament partner, Russ Finkel (He is kind of like Coz. – everybody loves him and nobody knows why). In (2) subsequent doubles events since 06/03/03 – (1) indoors and (1) outdoors, my partner and I dispatched him rather handily with the second meeting (outdoors) sending him packing off to RAYTOWN where he said he had a grudge match waiting with his partner – Narayana against Meredith Little and Emily Bailey (I knew John and Emily were going to join somewhere)

                 Also, we have given some thought to shaving our respective heads per your suggestion. For Joe it would be a terrible waste of hair because like all the Suteras, he has enough to supply all the bald spots and receding hairlines in the whole KCAC. As for me, I am well on the way to joining you in the HAIR CLUB FOR MEN meetings, but I draw the line at wearing that cute little girdle that you have sticking out of your shorts.

                Best Wishes – (We’ll see you in Court – Uh, I mean on the court)

                Bob Bruno

                NOTE:  I checked with the Kansas City Business Journal and they ranked Z-Day Club Members 4^th from the bottom of all organizations. The (3) entities rounding out the bottom of their survey are:  The Fraternal Order of Utility Workers, The Greater Association of Stock Brokers & The Bar Association.